Let’s just be clear about something before you read any further: You are not going to like what I have to say here.
This is not some feel-good bullshit. So, if you are in the mood to have some incense gently wafting up your ass just stop here. If you clicked on this so you can quietly congratulate yourself about what a spiritual person you are or what an enlightened fucking communicator you are, you better quit now. Seriously, just close the page.
If at least one thing I say here doesn’t fuck with you just a little bit then you are totally bullshitting yourself. Or I am even more full of shit than I thought. Or both.
However, if you ARE ready to smell a little of your own shit and maybe take a step or two in the direction of more accountability for the ways your communication habits are fucking up your most prized relationships, then by all means read on…
We are about to sprint through a crass course in five bullshit things that we ALL do at least some of the time (and many of us do most of the time) that muddle our thinking, derail intimacy, and exacerbate conflict.
This bullshit is not “bad.” It is not “wrong.” That we do it is certainly no cause for the kind of paralyzing shame we often level at ourselves at precisely the moment when we could be celebrating that we have finally woken the fuck up from an all-too-familiar stupor!
No, this bullshit just stinks. And it is not meant to be eaten.
What it IS meant for will be elaborated below for those few who have the stamina to read all the way to the end of this boring ass little tirade.
I could (and will) write a whole article about each one of these precious little turds that together make so many piles of shit in our lives. You are merely getting a pervy little sneak peek at the surface of some seriously deep shit.
But I guarantee that if you apply yourself to becoming aware of even just one of these habits, and take some practical steps toward wiping them up consistently, you will feel cleaner, more congruent with yourself and more authentically connected to others. Period.
This is not some “life-hack” magic pill infomercial bullshit. This is serious, grow-the-fuck-up material that, as with any true human development, takes time and practice to ground. So do us both a favor and read this with an open mind. Just ditch the bitchy little critic in your head that would be compelled to split hairs on everything you are about to read.
I fucking dare you to look for the truth here and apply it to your own life.
#1: Stop Confusing Your Bullshit Stories With Facts
There are the facts: Facts are what actually happened. Then there are the stories we make up about the facts. Know the difference. It is fucking important. All the interpretations we have about the facts often amount to piles of bullshit that clutter the mind and sit there steaming between ourselves and people we care about. Talk about the facts more and your bullshit less.
#2: Proper Use Of The “F” Word
I know. It’s a dirty word. Most civilized people would rather not discuss such primitive things as “Feelings.” But guess what. You have them. You have them all the fucking time. Like, you never don’t. When you are actually tuned into your experience you begin to notice it is always accompanied by feelings. (Yes, even you Mr. Macho.) And feelings are fucking awesome! They are an essential part of our humanity. So own that shit!
#3: Focus More On Your Needs, Less On Your Strategies
A burrito is not a Need. I don’t give a fuck how much you like burritos or how often you visit Chipotle. You don’t need a burrito. You will never need a burrito. You need Sustenance and Comfort. The burrito is just one of countless strategies you could use to get those needs met. Duh! Right? Simple. But not necessarily easy to practice. When you really understand the fund-a-fucking-mental difference between Needs and Strategies it will dramatically reduce the amount of bullshit you swallow and attempt to force-feed others.
#4: Just Ask For What You Really Fucking Want
What percentage of what you really want do you actually ask for? I ask this question in my trainings and to my clients all the time. I rarely run across a group where the average is above 50%. People do this bullshit calculus in their heads that goes something like this:
What I want
minus What I think I don’t deserve
minus What would make me look like a douche for asking for
minus What I think the person would not give me anyway
equals The tiny fucking fraction of what I want that I actually ask for
#5: Own Your Power Already
Every time we make other people, circumstances, or vague rules or laws responsible for our feelings, stories, or choices, we effectively give our power away. The awesome thing about being a victim is that you are absolved of any responsibility for your experience. Isn't it so fucking comforting to know that the shitty things that happen in your life are not your fault? It is way easier to stew in righteous anger and resentment than to actually feel the more vulnerable emotions of shame and grief. Unfortunately, that bullshit comes at an extremely high cost to your personal power. And every second you spend focusing on the actions of others and circumstances that are out of your control is one more second you spend abandoning yourself, one more second NOT focusing on how to muster your resources to meet your needs. Cut that bullshit out! Take 100% responsibility for your experience and focus on the things you CAN change: your stories, your attitude, and your actions.
What is Bullshit For?
You DO have options. There are great alternatives to the bullshit ways we have learned to communicate. They just take practice to actually learn how to use. In the meantime, keep an eye on that bullshit. It IS fucking up your relationships.
And, to be clear, no B.S. is NOT about never having bulshit. It is about recognizing your bullshit and acknowledging it before it makes matters worse. It is never too late.