What percentage of what you really want do you actually ask for?
I ask this question in my trainings and to my clients all the time. I rarely run across a group where the average is above 50%. People do this bullshit calculus in their heads that goes something like this:
What I want
minus ~ What I think I don’t deserve
minus ~ What would make me look like a douche for asking for
minus ~ What I think the person would not give me
equals = The tiny fucking fraction of what I want that I actually ask for
And then people wonder why they are fucking unhappy or not getting all they want out of life, or their relationships
! And still, many of us will resent people or life for not giving us what we didn’t actually ask for in the first place! WTF?
Let’s get closer to what asking for something looks like by process of elimination.
Asking is NOT expecting someone to read your mind because that would prove that they really know you and care about you. It is NOT expressing a vague wish, like, “I wish the dishes were done.” It is NOT guilting someone into giving you something. “If you really loved me you would do the dishes.” It is NOT making threats, demands or ultimatums. “If you don’t do the dishes right fucking now you better not expect anything from me for a while!”
Asking for shit, also known as making a request, sounds more like this: “Would you be willing to do the dishes before you watch another episode of Walking Dead tonight?”
The high art of making do-able requests starts with asking for a concrete action stated in positive terms (you can't do a "don't"). It is a truly rich, multi-dimensional art that has the potential to radically transform your life.
Yes, asking for what you really want is vulnerable. (Vulnerability--->Intimacy!)
No, you don’t always get what you ask for.
So you have to come to terms with the fact that you may experience NO in response to some requests. But it’s just fucking common sense that you are much more likely to get what you ask for than what you don’t.
What will really bake your noodle is how to find the YES behind any NO. But we will save that little nugget for another article.
So ditch the bullshit and just fucking ask for what you really want.
One hundred fucking percent.
Commit to getting creative with requests for one full day and see what happens!